Brandon at Random Reviews

3 Christmas Movies You Might Not Have Seen (And Definitely Should Not See)
by: Brandon Griffes

Deck The Halls (2006)

“Deck the Halls” starring Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito, tells a story of two characters who each have their own way of celebrating Christmas. DeVito wants his decorated home exterior to have so many lights it can literally be seen from space. Broderick wants a very structured, tasteful Christmas full of the most basic fucking planned out traditions ever. I guess Broderick is the protagonist you’re supposed to root for even though he seems quite dead inside? DeVito is sort of the villain but not? They’re both terrible people with almost no redeeming qualities. Broderick’s wife is played by Kristen Davis, who is somehow even more vanilla and uninteresting than her husband. DeVito’s wife is played by Kristin Chenoweth whose notable character traits are that she is very attractive and is also in the same 4’10” height bracket as DeVito, which seems to be the only thing they have in common.
This movie is a big pile of shit. Don’t give it a chance.

Holiday in Handcuffs (2006)

“Holiday in Handcuffs” starring Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez. Good Lord. I can’t remember character names so we’ll call Melissa Joan Hart’s character “Clarissa” and we’ll call Mario Lopez’s character “AC Slater”. So, Clarissa has a bf who promises to meet her family and go to Christmas with her in hopes that she’ll have sex with him. She does and he breaks up with her like immediately after. She goes to her waitress job at a diner and finds AC Slater. Slater is going to propose to his gf at this diner I guess. Clarissa, terrified about disappointing her family, decides to kidnap Slater. How? Well, by sticking him up with the antique pistol-style musket mounted on the wall of the diner that is totally loaded and functioning for some reason, of course! She takes Slater out to the family rental cottage and forces him to play along that they’re together. Will Slater and Clarissa fall in real love despite all these Texas-sized red flags? Yes. Don’t waste your time.

Jack Frost (1998)

“Jack Frost” starring Michael Keaton. No, this is not the horror movie about a killer snowman (but skip that one too). This is a family(?) tale about musician father of one (Keaton) dying on a drive home through a blizzard and coming back as the creepiest fucking animatronic snowman that the shell of what was left of the Jim Henson group could conjure. Sure this is only kind of a Christmas movie, but shit, it’s bad. There seems to be no real purpose in the events and magic in the movie. There’s no real plot. Like he comes back because his son misses/needs him, but he has no specific unfinished business and obviously can’t stay forever, so what are we doing here? Fuck if I know. Don’t fucking bother.